Holiday Family Gathering Survival Guide

Your Family Holiday Get-Together Survival Guide

“Peace is not the absence of conflict; it is the ability to handle conflict by peaceful means.” ~ Ronald Reagan

Ahh, the holidays. We get to spend time with friends and family we may not see often. But according to actor and comedian George Burns, “Happiness is having a large, loving, close-knit family in another city.”

Family get-togethers would be easy if it weren’t for our families. As much as we love them, they’re often the people who can drive us on the shortest trip to crazy. While some of us long for extra time with our family, others dread those get-togethers. If the thought of a difficult family member gets your blood pressure rising, it’s time to accept the facts. You can’t change them. But you can change the way they affect you.

Before your next family gathering sends you to binge out on carbs, try these tips. They’re more permanent—and more effective—than self-medicating, and they can help you experience the kind of holiday celebration we all hope for.

8 Tips to Survive Awkward Family Celebrations

1. Ask lots of questions. Prepare a list of safe topics in advance. People love to talk about themselves and their thoughts. The more questions you ask, the more you control the narrative. If you sense your Aunt Gertrude is getting dangerously close to asking about your love life—again—simply ask her to share about her first boyfriend.

2.Tell a joke. Have a couple of corny “dad” jokes ready. When things get awkward, save the day with humor. Groans are better than heated stares.

3. Let the children lead. Give them the stage. Younger kids can be brutally honest, yes. But most people are more amused than offended. Plus, Grandma and Grandpa usually can’t get enough of their grandkids anyway.

4. Give a vague answer. When someone asks a too-personal question or offers an opinion about something that’s none of their business, simply say, “Maybe you’re right. It’s certainly something to think about.” Then change the topic to Aunt Mary’s delicious pumpkin pie.

5. Play dumb. If someone is rude, pretend you didn’t notice. You can even act like you didn’t understand. You might say, “I’m sorry. I’m having trouble hearing you right now.” Then excuse yourself from the conversation.

6. Agree with them. I know. Shocking solution. But you can always say something like, “Great question. I’ve wondered about that too.”

7. Thank them for their concern. “It means the world to me that you care. Really. Thank you so much for that.” Then change the subject.

8. Ignore the behavior. If the awkwardness stems from Grandpa’s teeth clicking or Cousin Earl’s bad breath, pretend you don’t notice. It’s just for a little while, and you only see them once or twice a year. The polite thing to do is overlook these idiosyncrasies and focus on the things you appreciate about the unique, motley crew you call family.

While some situations can be handled with a joke or comment, others may be more toxic. Preparation is key for knowing how to handle tough circumstances with family.

8 Tips to Survive Difficult Family Members:

1. Spend some time before the event thinking about how you want to act. Mentally rehearse different situations with the outcome you want. Practice being gracious, changing the subject, and excusing yourself when necessary. Despite how others act, you can always choose to behave with grace and class.

2. Lead the conversation to pleasant things you have in common. Is Grandma Edna’s cheesecake still the best thing you’ve ever tasted? You can get a good five minutes out of that. Remember that camping trip in fourth grade when the tent fell on all of you? Or that catfish that flopped out of the boat? That should start the good memories rolling for another 10-15 minutes.

3. Bring along some board games or a fun movie, just in case. Providing an uncontroversial activity for everyone to focus on is a great way to snuff out tension. Don’t force these activities though. Just offer them to whoever wants to join and be okay if not everyone takes part.

4. Agree to disagree. It’s okay to have different opinions about things. It’s part of what makes life interesting. Show respect for others’ points of view, and don’t share yours unless asked. If you find yourself feeling uncomfortable because of the conversation, excuse yourself and find someone else to talk to for a while.

5. Take breaks. Scope out a place to decompress before you need it. Politely excuse yourself to the bathroom, a guest bedroom, or even your car. Spend a few minutes scrolling through social media, watching funny cat videos, or listening to your favorite music. Take some deep breaths. When you’ve gathered your composure, rejoin your family with a smile on your face.

6. Recognize that rudeness is about the other person and has nothing to do with you. Remember, something happened in that person’s life to make him/her behave the way they do. Be gracious and kind, but don’t let their issues spill over and become yours. If it helps, pretend you’re dealing with a stranger. How would you react if someone you don’t know did or said that? (You’d probably ignore it and walk away.)

7. Limit your time. It’s better to stay for an hour or two and leave on a good note than to be miserable for several days.

8. Set healthy boundaries. Decide ahead of time what you will and will not endure. If things get too much for you to handle, excuse yourself as politely as possible, tell everyone you love them, wish them a happy holiday, and explain that you’re not feeling well and have to leave.

If you find yourself in a dangerous or abusive situation, get away as quickly as possible. If you feel you need more help preparing for a difficult holiday situation, reach out to your therapist or EAP. Above all, remember to be the person you wish everyone else was. Be kind and encouraging. Show grace and compassion. Treat others the way you want to be treated and be grateful that you’re in a healthy place that allows you to act in love, even when others don’t.

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Holiday Family Gathering Survival Guide

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