LifeBlog

Setting Healthy Goals

Every day we make choices about how to care for ourselves.  Because the consequences of healthy choices don’t happen overnight, sometimes it can be difficult to make smart choices. We choose to fulfill our short-term wants, because we’re not quite sure how to plan for long-term goals.

Healthy change takes commitment and time.  Setting goals is the most efficient way to accomplish a positive, healthy lifestyle.  However, how you frame and specify those goals plays a huge role in the chances of success.  Learning how to make specific, measurable, attainable, and forgiving goals sets you up for the life you desire. 

Goal-Setting Strategies

 

Specific- Goals should clearly describe what you would like to change and how you’re going to do it.  Often times, our goals are vague and too broad.

• General versus specific- A vague goal won’t supply you with the motivation you need for genuine change. For example, you might say, “I want to get fit.”  What does “fit” look like?  How will you achieve that?  A better way to succeed is to be very specific.  How often are you going to exercise and for how long?  If you need more energy for your fitness goals, how much sleep would you like?  What steps will you take to get to bed earlier?  There’s a big difference between, “I want to be healthier,” and “I want to go for a 60 minute run, three times this week, so I will have the energy to play with my kids on the baseball field.”     
• Write down your “why”- Why do you want to achieve this goal? What is motivating you?  Write down what your life will look like when you achieve this goal.  This vision is more powerful than a general, vague statement.  This reason, the “why,” will be the motivation to keep running, stop smoking, continue saving toward retirement, or whatever your goal entails. 

Measurable- How will you know you’re making progress if you don’t track it?  The more you measure, the more you’ll encourage yourself to keep going and celebrate when you meet your goal.

• Keep a record- Write down your behavior or track it with an app. These clues will tell you how and when you’re moving toward or away from your goals. For example, if your goal is to lose 15 pounds, you might count your calories or track your daily percentages of vitamins and minerals.  Records can also help physicians give you helpful advice.  Be mindful though; your current health, weight, etc. do not necessarily reflect what you did yesterday.  Change will take time. 
• Maintenance- You might feel overwhelmed if you have many different goals in your life. Instead, think about the changes you’ve made in the past and the healthy habits you’re already maintaining. Goals seem more within your grasp when you look at what you’ve already achieved. 
• Rewards- When you set measurable goals and track progress, you will know when to reward yourself. People are more likely to succeed when they have small, frequent rewards instead of holding out for one, large prize. 

Attainable- Goals should be realistic. Think about your time, finances, and abilities, and set small, attainable steps toward the larger goal.  These might be daily, weekly, or monthly goals, so you don’t lose motivation quickly.  Too large a goal will seem overwhelming. 

• Short-term- Move in small, consecutive steps. Setting short-term goals as steps toward long-term goals allows for encouragement and rewards along the way.  For example, if you choose to pay off all your debt, start with one bill.  Concentrate on paying extra on that bill for three months by minimizing eating out or entertaining.   
• Connect motivations- Sometimes a larger goal will seem too large and stressful. Consider connecting two smaller motivations to achieve your larger goals.  For example, wanting to be healthy might not be enough motivation.  Maybe taking a vacation where you can hike mountain trails will connect two interests and help you get in shape.   

Forgiving- Progress does not equal perfection.  There will be days when emergencies or distractions occur, and you have to spend your time doing other tasks.  Make allowances and practice self-compassion. 

• Avoid self-comparison- Everyone is unique and accomplishes change on his or her own timetable. Working with others can be encouraging and beneficial, but it’s wise to steer clear of comparing yourself to a friend or colleague.  Others may have faster and better results with the same strategies and possibly less effort.  Remember, meeting your goals is about creating the life you want to have and not about competing against others.  
• Seek help- If you do feel stuck on your goals or discouraged, ask for help. You can avoid mistakes along the way by checking out resources and people who are experienced and have met similar goals. 

If you’re ready to get started, the best way to begin is to start saying your goals out loud. Tell people what you’re working toward and how you’ll get there. The more you share your goals and your motivation for a better, healthier life, the more you will believe you can achieve them.  

 

Want to talk to a counselor today about this? 

Call Amplified Life at 800-453-7733 and ask for your “Free 15 Minute Phone Consultation" with one of our licensed counselors. We’ll listen, answer questions you may have, and help you plan next steps.

 

Sources:

https://bewell.stanford.edu/smart-goals

http://www.nhlbi.nih.gov/health/public/heart/obesity/lose_wt/behavior.htm

 

 

 

 

Sexual Harassment

Sexual harassment is a serious workplace offense that violates the Civil Rights Act of 1964.  It is defined as unwelcome sexual advances, requests for sexual favors, or verbal or physical contact that is sexual in nature.  When sexual harassment happens, either implicitly or explicitly, an individual’s employment is affected.  This behavior may interfere with the victim’s ability to do his or her work or create a hostile work environment.

Facts about Sexual Harassment

There are two types of sexual harassment:

1. Quid pro quo- This less common form of sexual harassment occurs when employment conditions are based upon the victim providing sexual favors.
2. Hostile environment- This type of sexual harassment is characterized as unwelcome, severe, and persistent sexual conduct. It creates an uncomfortable and hostile work environment.  Examples of this conduct are crude jokes, lewd postures, leering, inappropriate touching, and rape.  Nearly 95 percent of all sexual harassment cases are related to a hostile environment. 

Sexual harassers do not need to be the opposite gender of the victim.  It can be a boss, coworker, or a nonemployee, but their behavior must be unwelcome.  Direct victims are not just the people being harassed, as anyone affected by sexual harassment is a victim. 

Effects of Sexual Harassment  

Effects and consequences of sexual harassment are wide-ranging, both in how they impact the victim and the work environment. 

• For the individual:
  • Depression, sleep issues, poor concentration at work, and fear are common effects.
• For the work environment:
  • High staff turnover, low company reputation, legal costs, poor morale among staff, and lack of teamwork characterize a workplace where sexual harassment is tolerated.

Sexual harassment can also have an economic impact as the victim could lose his or her job, wages, or benefits.  Sometimes an individual is fired for another circumstance, but the real reason is failing to comply with sexual demands.  In other instances, a victim may be denied a promotion, demoted, or forced to relocate or placed in another position.   

Another consequence can be victim blaming.  This occurs when the harasser or other coworkers hold the victim responsible, either for the sexual harassment or the resulting conflicts after the behavior has been reported.  Some people may feel the victim could have stopped the harassment or was “asking for it.”

How to Handle Sexual Harassment

In the event you or your coworkers are facing sexual harassment, it’s important to know you are not powerless.  Follow these guidelines to help protect yourself and others:

• Be direct- Talk to the harasser if you feel comfortable doing so. Be direct and firm, telling them to stop.  You can make your request verbally or in written form. Communicate your concerns with a human resources person or your supervisor, or access any grievance system that exists in your workplace. 
• Practice prevention- Obviously, the best way to handle sexual harassment is to prevent it. If you are an employer, have policies in place and require your employees to attend trainings dealing with this topic.  As an employee, be familiar with any sexual harassment information in your company manual.  Also, consider suggesting this as a possible topic for training and discussion. 
• Support- Seek out family, friends, or a mental health professional to talk. Find emotional support to cope with the impact of sexual harassment, and never assume that you should be able to just “shake it off.”
• Accept- Understand this was not your fault, and focus on forming relationships with supportive people. No one should tell you how to feel about the situation. 
• Document- Keeping an accurate log is critical. You should have documentation of your work, the behavior of the perpetrator, and the follow-up actions.
  • Your work- Keep any evaluations or emails you have that support your work as an employee.
  • Harassing behavior- Detail a report of what happened, where it occurred, what was said and done, and who else was present. Ask your coworkers to consider writing statements about what they witnessed.  Keep track of any negative consequences that occurred when or if you refused to submit to the sexual harassment.
  • The follow-up- Record (audio or written) what was said, who was present, and what actions were taken. Be sure to document any retaliation that occurs as a result of your complaint. 

After taking steps to find healing and closure, some sexual harassment victims choose to “pay it forward.”  They might resolve to educate others about the dangers, behaviors, and effects of sexual harassment.  Strategies might include writing about your experience, participating in a support group, or joining an organization that’s dedicated to fighting sexual harassment. 

Victimization does not need to be the end of the story.  If you or someone you know has been traumatized by sexual harassment, be courageous.  Help is available through support groups, mental health professionals, and other community organizations.

 

Want to talk to a counselor today about this? 

Call Amplified Life at 800-453-7733 and ask for your “Free 15 Minute Phone Consultation" with one of our licensed counselors. We’ll listen, answer questions you may have, and help you plan next steps.

 

Sources:

http://www.eeoc.gov/eeoc/publications/fs-sex.cfm

https://www.rainn.org/get-information/types-of-sexual-assault/sexual-harassment

http://www.aauw.org/what-we-do/legal-resources/know-your-rights-at-work/workplace-sexual-harassment/#strategies

 

Motivation and Goal-Setting

Staying motivated is important when it comes to setting and completing goals.  When we combine our desires, our values, and our beliefs, we create motivation.  Since we have influence over each of these three elements, we can therefore control our level of motivation.  When you value something and choose to set realistic goals for attaining it, there will likely be a good outcome. 

Steps to Get Motivated

Getting motivated begins with a choice.  The following steps will help you generate the energy needed to take action:

1. Identify your values, beliefs, and desires about life.
2. Think specifically about your work, health, and relationships. How do they relate to your values, beliefs, and life’s desires?  Write down these connections. 
3. Prioritize your goals. Are some of these items long-term or short-term?  Do you see any themes emerging with your list?
4. Evaluate your strengths and weaknesses to assess what goals are realistic.
5. Adjust your goals accordingly, as not every circumstance is under your control.
6. Understand that success is the result of your motivation, goals, circumstances, and hard work.

Motivation Tips

When it comes to goals, it can be easy to get sidetracked or stalled.  Consider these tips to gain and maintain your motivation:

• Accountability- Surround yourself with supportive people who are working toward similar goals. Encouragement from others is important, especially those who have previously completed a goal like yours.  If you are constantly competing with others, you’ll feel alone and begin to lose momentum. 
• Inspiration- Look for daily ways to uplift your mind and motivation. This might mean posting an inspiring quote or picture to your mirror or reading about influential people you admire. 
• Consider the alternative- If you don’t make this change, what will your life be like? Your reaction to this question is a clue to how much you value this goal. 
• Practice self-care- When you take care of yourself, you’re more likely to reach your goals. This could be as simple as drinking more water, getting good sleep, or exercising a few times a week.  Small changes like these can make a big difference in your energy level and mood. 
• Forgive yourself- It is all too easy to be your own worst enemy. Understand that you will have days you fail, make mistakes, and get rejected.  However, if you stay positive and refuse to beat yourself up, you have already won the battle.  Learn to forgive yourself and move forward.

Goal-Setting Steps

When it comes to setting goals, sometimes it can be hard just to know where to start. Consider the following guidelines when determining your new goal:

• Plan- Set aside some time to think about your goals. Sometimes you might have a few false starts when you begin.  Don’t be discouraged; this is a normal part of the goal-setting process.
• Think big- Put logic aside for a moment. We can be afraid to think and dream big when we set goals.  Negative thinking can quickly take over.  Remember, just because you cannot reach a goal today does not mean it’s never a possibility. 
• Stay positive- Use uplifting language when you are constructing your goal. Focus on what you want for yourself rather than what you don’t want.  For example, say something like, “I want to lose 20 pounds, so I can play in the backyard with my kids.”  This is more positive than, “I want to lose 20 pounds so I don’t have a heart attack.”
• Break it down- Goals should be broken up into attainable and measurable tasks. Setting a daily or weekly goal will continue to keep you motivated.  This also allows you to monitor your progress.
• Envision your future- Who and where are you in five or ten years? What are you doing?  Who is around you?  What is making you happy?  Imagining yourself in the future can be highly motivating. 
• Write a vision statement- When you feel overwhelmed with daily tasks, having a clear and concise vision statement, or purpose for your goal, can help you stay on track. This is sometimes known as a “why” statement.  The more passionate you feel about your purpose, the more determined you will be to stay the course.
• Be flexible- There is no rule that says you cannot revise your goals or daily tasks. As we move through life, our circumstances and passions will change.  Sometimes we need to alter the steps toward our goal as we learn along the way.  It’s important to be flexible and open to change.

Learning to set and meet goals is a life-long process.  When you achieve one goal, be sure to set time aside to celebrate the victory.  Then, set your sights on a new objective, and include others in your process.  Helping another get started on their journey is a great way to stay motivated and keep moving in the direction of your dreams.   

 

Want to talk to a counselor today about this? 

Call Amplified Life at 800-453-7733 and ask for your “Free 15 Minute Phone Consultation" with one of our licensed counselors. We’ll listen, answer questions you may have, and help you plan next steps.

 

Sources:

http://www.uiowa.edu/web/advisingcenter/motivation.htm

http://hrweb.berkeley.edu/learning/career-development/goal-setting/career-plan-vision

 

 

Organizational Skills

Staying organized is essential to accomplishing our goals.  When we streamline clutter and get rid of waste we can focus more of our resources on what we feel is most important in life. While organizational skills are necessary, different things work for different people.  What does organization look like for you?  You don’t need a complicated, color-coded system to organize your life if something else works better.  To identify what organizational strategy works for you, just ask yourself a few important questions.  As you respond, thoughtfully consider where your organizational strengths and areas for improvement can be found.

Organizational Strengths and Weaknesses

• Waste Removal- Keep track of your activities during a typical week, and document how you spend your time. What activities tend to waste your time? How can you minimize or eliminate these from your schedule?
• Long-term goals- Have a clear vision and goals for the long term. Does the way you spend your time reflect these goals?  What are the daily and weekly tasks that help you achieve your goals?
• Optimal time- Identify the time of day you are most productive. Are you a morning or night person?  Knowing your peak performance time of day will help you achieve quality work on your most important tasks.
• Important vs. urgent- Determine what is important versus what is urgent. Often we spend the entire day focused on what’s been regarded as urgent.  When we cater to tasks like answering every email right away, we often don’t accomplish much. 
• Top three- Ask yourself every day, “What are the three most important tasks I need to complete today?” When you’re able to focus on three items, it helps you not feel as overwhelmed.  You’re more likely to stay productive when you’re not thinking about everything at once.

Tips to Stay Organized

Some people are naturally more organized than others.  Even if you’re not characteristically structured and orderly, there are ways to learn this behavior.  Here are several strategies for clutter removal, proper planning, and time management that can help you develop greater organizational skills: 

 

Tackling Clutter

• Start small- Organizational overhauls can feel overwhelming. Start with small tasks that motivate you.  Perhaps you can de-clutter your desk or sort through some paperwork.  Work your way up from there. 
• Weekly cleanup- Papers and mail can easily take over your workspace. Have a weekly cleanup where you discard or recycle papers and other materials.  File important papers and put things in their proper place.  This will help you stay focused and avoid the need for major reorganization. 
• Put in place- After you finish using an item, return it to its place. This will keep your workspace looking less cluttered, so you can focus better.  You also won’t be losing valuable time searching for misplaced items. 

Plan of Success

• To do list- Breaking down large tasks into smaller steps helps you stay motivated by checking off each item. Keep a to-do list for every task.
• Plan for the day- You can avoid morning confusion by planning for your day the evening before. Consider picking out your clothes or packing your lunch.  Gather the files or books you might need.  This may help you fall asleep faster too, as your mind is not preoccupied with the morning rush of responsibilities.  If you’re a parent, this is also helpful to do for your children.
• Stick to one- We tend to praise multitasking in our culture, but this can actually prevent you from being organized. Focusing on one task at a time is best and produces a better result. 

Time Management

• Avoid interruptions- Sometimes we have to stop and address concerns that interrupt our day. But other distractions, like emails or voicemails, can often wait a little longer.  We might feel pressure to respond immediately, but this can take up valuable time.  Limit the amount you check email or social media to two or three times per day. 
• Time limits- Give yourself an ending time for tasks you don’t enjoy. You’ll stay more motivated when you know there is a time limit.  If you can’t do this, break up the task into smaller steps.  Do activities you enjoy between the smaller tasks you don’t. 
• Set limits- Don’t apologize for organizing your life according to priorities. You might receive some pushback at first when you say no to certain tasks, but you’ll be more useful to yourself and others when you decide what’s important.

Finally, you might want to try and associate organization with positive feelings.  While implementing organizational strategies, consider playing music that puts you in a good mood or having a picture of those you love or scenery you find peaceful on hand.  You know you’ll feel good when the task is complete, and there isn’t any reason why you can’t enjoy your progress on the road to success. 

 

Want to talk to a counselor today about this? 

Call Amplified Life at 800-453-7733 and ask for your “Free 15 Minute Phone Consultation" with one of our licensed counselors. We’ll listen, answer questions you may have, and help you plan next steps.

 

Sources: 

http://people.rice.edu/uploadedFiles/People/TEAMS/Getting%20Organized%20at%20Work.pdf

 

 

Parenting and Positive Discipline

Parenting doesn’t need to be a war between you and your child.  When it comes to discipline, there is a positive way to alter your child’s behavior without bribes and threats.  Effective discipline is proactive, and it encourages positive actions and personal responsibility.  It promotes your child’s self-esteem and appropriate development.  Most importantly, positive discipline will strengthen the relationship between you, your child, and their siblings. 

Why Children Misbehave

Kids truly do mean well and do their best to behave.  Sometimes they’ll fall short of our behavioral expectations.  When this occurs, it’s our job as parents to determine the reason behind the misbehavior.  Consider why they might be acting out or hitting people, and what unmet needs might be underlying this behavior. There are several factors contributing to both your child’s behavior and your reaction.  Consider the following:

• What is the specific behavior?
• How do you feel about it?
• What is your personality type? Your child’s? 
• Why do you think they’re behaving this way?
• Where is the behavior occurring? Who is there when it happens?
• Is anything impacting or preventing your response to it?

Positive Discipline Strategies

Positive discipline trains children to behave without resorting to bribes, threats, yelling, or even physical actions.  The following strategies will teach you how to channel your child’s energy (and yours) into a more desirable outcome: 

1. Refrain from saying “no”- There’s something about being told “no” that makes children (or adults) want to do something all the more. Your child may stop listening and tune you out as soon as you say it.  Instead, offer an alternative to the negative behavior.  For example, let’s say your child is coloring on your wall.  Rather than yelling, “No,” try a different approach such as, “Let’s do a picture together in your new coloring book.  Then, it can be a surprise for Grandma.” 
2. Control yourself- Children watch their parents. You’re modeling for them what is acceptable and unacceptable behavior, and children will learn the most from what your actions demonstrate.  If you yell, they will also.  Be mindful of what upsets you and makes you anxious.  Take steps to remain calm and keep the situation from escalating.  Your kids will notice. 
3. Consistency- We sometimes overlook or address behaviors based on the situation and our own energy level. This can confuse a child.  When we are clear on our expectations and consistent, children are less likely to test the limits.  Be simple in your directions.  If you’re using a chart or another method to track their behavior, make sure it’s not too difficult for the child to understand. 
4. Good behavior counts- Too often we give our kids more attention when they misbehave. When we choose to ignore negative behaviors, like whining, and highlight a good behavior instead, we show our kids what we truly value.  Because kids crave attention, they will automatically do whatever gets most attention whether good or bad.  The key is to recognize and encourage your child when their inappropriate behavior stops, or when the exhibit the desired behavior.  Use wisdom; if a child appears likely to cause harm to self, others or property do not ignore the negative behavior.    
5. Avoid bribery- When we offer our children bribes as incentives, they don’t associate good behavior as the reward itself. Help your child see that good behavior and choices bring their own rewards.
6. Give options- There’s nothing wrong with giving your child choices. For example: If a child is fighting with their sibling, explain to them you only have enough energy to either listen to their squabble or do something fun later.  This gives your children the choice rather than turning the situation into a bribe.
7. Rewards- Incentives can be powerful motivators for positive behavior.
   1. Responsibility- Trusting children to take care of certain tasks should be seen as a privilege. Responsibility is a reward in itself.  When it is framed this way, children will naturally desire to behave in a positive manner to gain more responsibilities. 
   2. Your attention- Giving a child your love, understanding, and attention is the best reward for any child. Setting aside time every day to spend with your child is the best way to influence their lives. 

Raising healthy, well-behaved children takes time, consistency, and patience.  Long-term habits in anyone’s life require time, and children are no exception.  The best results are not always immediate.  Stick with it and continue reinforcing your commitment.  Loving your child is always a worthwhile investment with life-long returns.    

 

Want to talk to a counselor today about this? 

Call Amplified Life at 800-453-7733 and ask for your “Free 15 Minute Phone Consultation" with one of our licensed counselors. We’ll listen, answer questions you may have, and help you plan next steps.

 

Sources:

http://www.pbs.org/parents/talkingwithkids/positive_discipline_tips.html

http://www.cwla.org/positiveparenting/tipsdiscipline.htm

 

 

Modeling Good Sportsmanship

Children aren’t magically born with the ability to be a good sport.  While playing fair is a learned skill, modeling good sportsmanship happens when we demonstrate what we teach.  When parents and adults discuss and model appropriate play on and off the field, children will learn from their example.

Chances are you’ve witnessed that one parent at a kids’ sporting event.  They’re the one who’s a little too into the game and out of control.  They yell, tear down their children, rant at officials, and possibly use obscenities in the crowd.  With their taunting, they disrespect a player’s need to concentrate.  It’s an uncomfortable situation at best, and the behavior can also embarrass a child. 

Why Play?

Is it easier to avoid sports altogether?  Not necessarily.  The simple answer is not to discourage your child against playing any sports, but be mindful that when it comes to good sportsmanship, there is no quick fix.  Poor behavior in sports is a much broader issue when you think about those modeling it.  Children might see defiance against officials, trash talking, and violence when they watch professional athletes on TV or in person.  While these athletes may incur fines, they are still heroes admired by many children and even some adults.   

 

There are plenty of reasons to continue encouraging your kids to play sports.  When paired with a coach and adults modeling appropriate play and rules of the game, children learn much more than the mechanics of soccer or baseball.  Both on and off the field, these individuals often shape the moral and ethical character of your child.  A good coach recognizes that winning isn’t everything.  Healthy character development is one of the major positive byproducts of a coach who emphasizes good sportsmanship.    

Good Sportsmanship Guidelines

Demonstrating appropriate behavior on the field, and even in the workplace, is fundamental.  It not only encourages a healthy play or work environment, but it also models for adults and children the values of respect, character, and the worth of every human being.  Here are a few tips beyond cheering and clapping to coach you to good sportsmanship: 

• Cheer for all- Recognizing talent is easy, but rewarding effort is equally important. Cheer for everyone participating.  This also helps you not to be reactive to your own child’s individual or team performance.  Your kids will also see you celebrating the love of the game, rather than just having a “winning is everything” approach.  Pay attention to your emotions, and keep them in check.
• Thank you- Most officials, referees, and umpires aren’t in it for the money. Many of them are volunteers who want to give back to the community and its youth. The usual comments they hear are negative and involve complaints about their judgments.  A simple thank you and recognition of their time encourages them and models gratitude to the other parents and children. 
• Interact positively with the other team- Remember, the opposing team is not the enemy. Those are real parents who are just as proud of their children.  Chatting with them and the opposing team’s players is not taboo.  Rather, it demonstrates you are not too caught up in the game to be a respectful, kind-hearted, fellow parent.  Congratulate them if they win; offer encouragement if they lose.  Never boo a player on either team, and be mindful to avoid any offensive language. 
• Don’t coach- Unless you’re the coach, skip the urge to call or challenge any plays. If you do need to speak with the coach, set up a one-on-one conversation to keep it private.  Likewise, avoid critiquing your child’s performance or mistakes on the ride home.  Ask them if they had fun and what they learned.  While your intentions may be good, just being there to watch the game will teach them far more in the long run. Many professional athletes attribute their success to parents’ encouragement, not their coaching. 
• Model good self-care- If you show no interest in physical activity, there’s a good chance your child won’t either. When you play a sport for fun, it encourages kids to do the same. As an added bonus, you’ll remember how difficult it can be sometimes, making you less likely to criticize your child’s performance. 
• Chill out & Check in – Try to remember that your child is growing and learning, and might just want to have fun sometimes. Keep in mind that if you are trying to live vicariously through your child, it will likely not have a positive outcome.

Remember, the best way to ensure a fun and healthy season is to practice the “golden rule” of sports, which is to treat others the way you’d like to be treated.  This applies to teammates, opponents, coaches, and parents.  Criticism and poor behavior will never earn a win, but modeling good sportsmanship is a sure strategy for success in your child’s life, both on and off the field.

 

Want to talk to a counselor today about this? 

Call Amplified Life at 800-453-7733 and ask for your “Free 15 Minute Phone Consultation" with one of our licensed counselors. We’ll listen, answer questions you may have, and help you plan next steps.

 

Sources

http://www.momsteam.com/sports-sidelines-modeling-good-sportsmanship-key

http://kidshealth.org/teen/food_fitness/sports/sportsmanship.html

http://life.familyeducation.com/sports/parenting/36484.html

 

 

 

 

Resiliency in the Workplace

Wherever you work you will eventually find yourself in a stressful situation.  Having bounce back potential, or resilience, is a key element to coping with it.  Resilience is a person’s ability to adapt and grow after stressful events.  When life hands you an unfortunate circumstance or a setback, are you able to adjust?  Resilience is also at work when an individual chooses to follow through when there is pressure to give up or quit.  You are able to see past the obstacles in your life, even if the problems don’t go away.  Resilience is necessary in the workplace for employees to cope with people, events within the organization, and with outside events that impact the organization. 

Resilience Threats

Workplace stress threatens our wellbeing from a variety of angles.  The work culture, interactions within our jobs, and issues in our own personal life may cause serious stress.

• Work culture- Anything that happens in the organizational culture of your job can increase stress levels. This includes policies, mergers, growth and expansion, layoffs, etc.
• Interactions within your job- Events such as bullying, intimidation, and being overworked can make the interactions within your organization difficult. Other stressful situations might involve accidents, a coworker’s death, a workplace loss (i.e. demotion, reassignment, retirement, etc.), and the fear of supervisors. 
• Personal lives- How we behave toward other people can threaten our ability to adapt in the workplace. Stress and anxiety from other aspects of our lives can be a factor as well. 

Resilience Benefits

Being a resilient person does not make you a superhuman.  You will still face physical and emotional reactions to life’s traumas and setbacks.  However, the ability to bounce back allows you to continue functioning while also reaching out for help if needed. 

 

The benefits of resiliency on the job extend to both the employee and the internal workplace dynamics.  The employee enjoys increased job satisfaction, less stress, greater happiness, motivation to perform well, and lower risk of anxiety and depression.  Your workplace atmosphere will also benefit from resilience through higher productivity, more motivated employees, increased morale and creativity, and less staff sickness and turnover. 

 

Building Resilience:

While resilience is not necessarily something you are born with, some people do have a natural bounce back ability.  As a learned skill, here are some tips to growing in resilience and retaining that expertise.

• Clear vision- Workers have a greater hope for the future when they can articulate the projects and goals before them. When stressful times arise, a clear vision can help guide you to the next step.
• Self-confidence- Believing in yourself to meet challenges when they arise is called self-efficacy. You clearly accept that there will be challenges, but you maintain the conviction that you can overcome them.
• Organization- Chaos, clutter, and a lack of organization cause the psychological stress that threatens resilience. When an individual’s workstation is organized, he or she will feel more in control when stressors arise. 
• Interpersonal intelligence- The ability to empathize with your coworkers and understand their point of view is a key component to managing relationships. When we are socially aware in the workplace it helps us monitor our own reactions to problems, and seek resolution to a workplace conflict or interpersonal confusion when it arises.
• Problem solving- Resilient people see problems as an opportunity to find new solutions in the workplace. Rather than dreading or avoiding problems, a person with a bounce back ability will face them openly. 
• Learn from mistakes- When you do make a mistake, don’t beat yourself up for it. Learning from mistakes and moving forward will build your resilience. 
• Remaining active- A resilient person does not shut down when adversity comes their way. They speak up for themselves and their goals.  Assertive and active in teamwork, this individual also takes a self-directed approach toward problem solving. 
• Proactive- Successful employees will identify potential problems and take action to prevent them. These individuals won’t wait until a disaster occurs before they clean up a mess and work toward a solution. 
• Value relationships- Feedback from others is considered invaluable to resilient people. They are not interested in always flying solo; they look to others for feedback about their ideas and goals.  Resilient people reciprocate by offering problem solving solutions to their coworkers.
• Self-care- A work environment that values employees who take care of themselves will be more productive in the long run. Getting enough sleep, eating healthy, and a regular exercise routine are keys to maintaining resilience.  In addition, spending time with family and friends eases stress and helps us bounce back faster when times are rough.    

If you are struggling to bounce back from the stressors in your life, be courageous and ask for help when needed.  Talk to your human resources staff about what supports are available for you within your organization, or consider meeting with a licensed mental health professional. With the right plan and attitude, you’ll learn to bounce back better when the next problem arises.  

 

Want to talk to a counselor today about this? 

Call Amplified Life at 800-453-7733 and ask for your “Free 15 Minute Phone Consultation" with one of our licensed counselors. We’ll listen, answer questions you may have, and help you plan next steps.

 

Sources:

http://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-living/adult-health/in-depth/resilience/art-20046311

http://www.hr.wa.gov/more/EAPResiliencyProject/Pages/ResiliencyInWorkplace.aspx

 

Safe Dating Guidelines

Starting a new relationship is always exciting, but sometimes dating can be a little scary or confusing.  There are a variety of ways to meet people, from social settings to social media.  Navigating how and when you meet takes some thinking.  When it comes to dating, here are some practical rules for a safe and meaningful experience: 

1. Rule number one is to trust your instincts. This holds true for any type of relationship.  If something doesn’t feel right, ask for help immediately or walk away.  You don’t owe anyone anything, especially if you don’t want to do something. 
2. In general, people like to talk about themselves. Ask a lot of questions, specifically about the person’s background, family, friends, and work.  If your date doesn’t mention any friends or has a history of violence, this should catch your attention.  Additionally, any other unusual or suspicious behaviors should serve as red flags.  Some examples are:
   1. Multiple conversations about “fate” and “destiny.”
   2. Suggests they are newly widowed.
   3. Claims to want your address to send gifts and/or flowers.
   4. Writes or emails you with excessive spelling and/or grammatical errors.
   5. Sends emails with strange links to third-party websites.
3. Always protect your finances. Never give out your credit card or bank account number.  If your date asks for money, do not feel obligated to give to them; there is nothing wrong with saying no.

In addition, these helpful guidelines apply to online dating scenarios and your first date: 

Online Dating

• True or false- You might want to believe the best about someone, and that’s an admirable quality. However, don’t assume everything online is true.  People often lie on the Internet, and dating sites do not generally participate in criminal background checks. 
• Privacy- If you do have a dating profile, keep things like your phone number, home address, and email address private. If you do not feel safe giving out your number on a first date, communicate through the dating service’s website.  You can also look into a separate number for free through programs like Google Voice.  Do not give out your home or work address to anyone you haven’t met in person.  Be wary if your date suggests talking on an outside email address opposed to the dating service’s protected website. 
• Questions- There’s nothing wrong with asking a lot of questions. Before you agree to go on a date, don’t be afraid to gain insight about the person.  Asking questions pertaining to who they are and what’s important to them is both helpful and safe.  If they are unwilling to show you a photo of themselves or provide the information you feel you need, don’t meet them in person.
• Too good- Beware of someone who is eager to meet immediately. Also, if a person seems too good to be true, they probably are.  If they really want to date you, then they’ll be willing to wait until you feel comfortable.  
• No bullying- If people are rude or verbally abusive online, don’t make time for a date. Instead, block their profile and report their behavior to a website moderator.

Your First Date

• Your call- Don’t let yourself be talked into anything you don’t want to do. If someone is pressuring you to go out again before you are ready, say no without guilt.  A person worth dating will understand.
• Stay public- When meeting a date for the first time, stay in a public and well-lit place. Keep your cell phone on hand.  Communicate with at least one friend where you are going and whom you are meeting.  Take a private moment and text or call them to let them know everything is fine.  If you don’t feel safe, call a friend to come and pick you up immediately. 
• Transportation- It’s a good idea to have your own transportation to and from the date. Do not accept a ride home from someone you don’t know well, because this gives the individual your home address.    
• Call authorities- Give your friends or family members permission to call you in the event of an emergency. If you don’t answer your phone, let them know it’s okay to call the police.   
• Stay sober- It’s never a good idea to impair your judgment with someone you don’t know well. Remaining sober or monitoring your drinking helps you avoid making decisions you will regret.   
• Watch your stuff- Keep your personal items with you, like your cell phone, purse, or wallet. Never leave your drink unsupervised.  Tampering with drinks is a serious thing, but it does happen.
• Short and sweet- Keep the date to a short, specific time limit. This way, you’ll feel comfortable leaving when you want and won’t feel pressured to stay if you don’t want to. 
• Long distance tips- In the same way that you would not give out your home address for a local date, do not give out your hotel information. If you’re meeting someone long-distance, arrange your own transportation, and keep your friends or family updated.  They should know whom you’re with and where you’re going. 

Applying these guidelines to any new relationship will help you have safe and mature experiences.  When you feel safe and comfortable, you are more likely to make the best decisions for yourself and have the most fun as you meet new people.

 

Want to talk to a counselor today about this? 

Call Amplified Life at 800-453-7733 and ask for your “Free 15 Minute Phone Consultation" with one of our licensed counselors. We’ll listen, answer questions you may have, and help you plan next steps.

 

Sources:

http://www.uab.edu/police/crime-prevention/safety-tips/97-safe-dating-tips-for-single-women-and-men

http://match.com/help/safetytips.aspx

Improving Self-Esteem

 

Self-esteem is having respect or confidence in yourself and how you interpret your abilities, appearance, and/or attributes.  It reflects an overall sense of value or worth, and it affects our thoughts, feelings, and behaviors.  Often words such as self-worth, self-image, and self-respect are used interchangeably with self-esteem.  In short, a healthy self-esteem accepts and values you for exactly who you are, even your flaws.   

 

Self-esteem impacts every area of our lives, including our mental and emotional health and how we operate at work and in relationships.  Your level of self-esteem also varies throughout different stages of life.  If high school was a particularly difficult period of your life, your self-image may have been lower than it is now.  Perhaps getting older is causing lower self-esteem than how you once viewed yourself.  Our self-perception is often linked with how others have treated us in the past.  We might make past or current judgments about ourselves based on those experiences.      

 

Along the spectrum of self-esteem, some people have a high sense of self-worth.  Others find they have very low self-esteem, possibly facing symptoms of depression or anxiety.  Feeling inadequate, unlovable, and/or unworthy may accompany a lower self-image.  If you find yourself on the low end of the self-image spectrum, it is important to remember you are not alone.  This could be a symptom of depression, and your doctor or mental health professional can help.

 

Determining Self-Esteem Levels

There are some useful ways to determine where your self-esteem levels are.  Consider these possibilities:  

• Strengths and weaknesses- Take inventory by writing down your positive and negative qualities.  If you negative qualities largely outnumber the positives ones, then this might be an indicator of low self-esteem. 
• Success and failure- Do you downplay or explain away your successes?  Many times we set perfection as the goal, only to be regularly disappointed.  Are you able to receive compliments, or do you merely brush them aside?  Being able to celebrate our accomplishments is a sign of a healthy self-esteem. 
• Standards- Are you comparing yourself to others?  This will not help improve our self-esteem.  Research shows people who spend too much time on social media are more likely to struggle with low self-esteem because they are constantly comparing themselves to others. 
• Potential- Have you considered you may not know everything about yourself?  Take some time to discover what hidden strengths and passions you might have.  Exploring a new hobby, activity, or talent may significantly increase your self-esteem. 

 

Improving Self-Esteem

 

If you are looking to better your self-image, here are several practical steps to follow as you take inventory of your thoughts:

1. Triggers- Identify what or who triggers negative thinking.  A difficult coworker?  Looking at your bank account?  Interactions with certain family members? You can’t avoid every trigger, but you can plan how you will respond to it.
2. Self-talk- Next, listen to your thinking, or “self-talk.”  What do you tell yourself?  Is it based on fact or emotion?  Is it irrational or irrational?  Assuming the worst in every situation will take a toll on your self-esteem. 
3. Accuracy- Are your thoughts true?  If not, challenge them.  Often times our thoughts are influenced more by perception than reality.
1. Black-and-White Thinking- “If I don’t get this promotion, I might as well quit; jobs never work out for me.”
2. Jumping to Conclusions- “He hasn’t contacted me because he doesn’t like me.”
3. Downplaying the Positive- “She only asked me to go out because all her other friends were busy.”
4. Overgeneralizing- “I never get things right. I’m always so stupid.”
4.  Positivity- Replace negative thoughts with positive ones.  Encourage yourself by focusing on the positive.  Avoid thinking of “should have” and “could have” scenarios.  When mistakes are made, you can learn to forgive yourself.  Give yourself credit for good things and even small wins.

 

Taking Care of Yourself

 

Learning to change how you interpret life takes energy. Taking time every day to care for yourself will help you feel healthy, and when you feel good you are more likely to be positive about yourself and your abilities. Listen to your body, get plenty of sleep, eat healthy, and exercise regularly.  Take time for activities and people you enjoy most.  A simple way to enjoy life and stay positive is to help someone else. 

 

Rearranging your thoughts and learning to take care of your body takes time and practice.  The more you challenge your negative thoughts and habits, the more confident you will feel in yourself and your actions.  When you are positive about yourself, you will have a positive impact on the world around you.     

 

Want to talk to a counselor today about this? 

Call Amplified Life at 800-453-7733 and ask for your “Free 15 Minute Phone Consultation" with one of our licensed counselors. We’ll listen, answer questions you may have, and help you plan next steps.

 

Sources:

http://nccam.nih.gov/health/stress/relaxation.htm

http://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-living/stress-management/in-depth/relaxation-technique/art-20045368

http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2011/10/30/6-tips-to-improve-your-self-esteem/

http://store.samhsa.gov/shin/content//SMA-3715/SMA-3715.pdf

 

Divorce

Regardless of the circumstances divorce is a significant loss, and people grieve the loss of a marriage in many ways.  You might feel shocked, depressed, or angry at what occurred.  Many times people experience guilt for things they wish they had done or said differently.  In any divorce situation, it’s important to give yourself time to grieve.  There’s no need to push away your emotions, and there isn’t a timeline for when you should “snap out of it.”  Talking with a counselor or support group is a great way to work through your grief.

Life after Divorce 

Though it may be difficult to grasp, there is hope and life after a divorce.  The following tips offer practical wisdom during this transition:

• Practice self-care- When dealing with divorce, you need to support yourself physically, emotionally, and mentally. Staying physically active can help you feel better and experience less stress, anger, and anxiety.  Embracing positive coping methods is always wiser than turning toward negative behaviors. 
• Find positive people- Anyone can be negative, and it’s tempting to find others who will encourage you to complain about life or your former spouse. Instead, choose to surround yourself with supportive, positive people that can help you reframe your losses into opportunity. 
• Focus on what you can control- Learning to let go can be difficult. Instead of dwelling on things you can’t change, think about what you can control.  This will help you stay more positive and keep your mind and body healthy.  Because you’re not responsible for how others think and feel, focus on your own outlook.  Making a to-do list of important tasks can be a great way to help you feel like you have control again. 
• Avoid impulsive decisions- When you’re in transition avoid making huge life decisions. There might be a thrill from a major purchase or hasty career change, but you could regret it after you have weighed the pros and cons. 
• Do what you enjoy- It’s important to socialize and spend time with supportive friends and family members. You shouldn’t feel guilty for making time for activities and hobbies you enjoy.
• Avoid unhealthy coping methods- The emotional stress of divorce can lead us to make poor life choices. Watch out for negative ways of dealing with your emotions.  Unhealthy behaviors might include:
  • Drugs, alcohol, gambling, or risky sexual behavior
  • Following, stalking, or seeking revenge against your ex
  • Making impulsive purchases or choices
  • Acting angry and/or violent toward others
  • Entering a new relationship quickly
• Cooperate and Communicate- There’s still a benefit to you and your family by communicating with your former spouse, especially when it involves your children. Seeing interactions as a battle to be won doesn’t help anyone.

Children and Divorce

The majority of divorces occur where there are children under the age of 18.  Because parents represent a sense of security for a child, it can become scary and confusing when they see their parent(s) hurting or distracted.  Many parents worry about how divorce will impact their children.  The following information will help you guide your kids through the transition of life after a divorce:

• Assure your love- Children often misinterpret the situation and accept blame, thinking the divorce is their fault. They can also deal with fears of abandonment.  Therefore, it’s critical to emphasize your love for them.  Reassure your children that you will never leave them.  It’s important to listen to their fears.  Remind your children that your love for them won’t change, even if the family looks a little different than before. 
• Establish routine- Traditions and routines provide stability for a child in an uncertain time. These can be as simple as reading before bedtime or an evening walk after dinner.  The key is consistency.  Consider discussing a plan with your former spouse to maintain similarity between the two households.
• Be flexible- It’s important to remain flexible if your ex is unable to visit or has a conflict. Having a fun, alternative activity is a great option for those unexpected times.  Also, encourage your child to enjoy their time with their other parent.  Avoid looking disappointed or upset when they leave, so as not to miscommunicate emotions to your child. 
• Be amicable in front of the kids- It’s wise to avoid fighting with your ex in front of your children. Never use children as messengers, spies, or a sounding board for your complaints.  Children who witness angry and volatile disagreements are more likely to adjust poorly to the divorce.  The best transitions are when children are encouraged to have positive relationships with both parents. 

Divorce never affects only one person.  It’s painful and difficult, but there is help available.  Be courageous and seek out therapy, family counseling, or support groups.  Allow the experiences of others to help you in this transition time. 

 

Want to talk to a counselor today about this? 

Call Amplified Life at 800-453-7733 and ask for your “Free 15 Minute Phone Consultation" with one of our licensed counselors. We’ll listen, answer questions you may have, and help you plan next steps.

 

Sources:

https://www.apa.org/helpcenter/healthy-divorce.aspx

 

 

 

Compulsive Gambling

Humans can become addicted to many different behaviors and gambling is no exception.  Many people are able to gamble recreationally with little to no lasting effects.  However, others find the thrill of gambling addictive and return to it time and again despite incurring great costs in terms of their relationships, financial security and general wellbeing.

What is Gambling?

There are a variety of ways and reasons a person gambles.  While many people do gamble without causing significant problems, some develop problem gambling.  Problem gambling is defined as causing harm to the gambler or someone else, like a family member.  Even though a person may want to stop, the initial behavior leads to the more serious, compulsive gambling.   When someone struggles with compulsive gambling it causes problems in multiple areas of his or her life. 

 

Bingo, lottery tickets, casino games, online poker, and going to the racetrack are all examples of gambling.  Obviously, not everyone who gambles becomes addicted.  There is no easy formula for determining who develops an addiction to gambling.  Studies have indicated, however, that it is a combination of environmental, genetic, and biological factors. 

Determining a Gambling Problem

How do you know if you have a more serious gambling problem?  The following list of signs indicates the potential for gambling problems:

• Experiencing a thrill, or rush, from the experience of gambling.
• Lying about the behavior.
• Using work and family time to gamble.
• Feeling guilty about gambling but being unable to stop.
• Always thinking about the details of gambling.
• Using gambling to escape feelings of depression.
• Spending money on gambling instead of bills and needs.
• Borrowing or stealing money in order to gamble.

Studies have found that between two and four percent of Americans are problem gamblers. Gambling problems, according to some researchers, are more prevalent than alcohol dependence.

Access and Impact

Gambling is more prevalent than ever before because people have constant access to the thrill of the behavior through the Internet.  Beginning to gamble at an early age also increases the risk of developing gambling problems later in life.  Addictions are more common in men and those of lower socioeconomic status.  Like any addiction, compulsive gambling affects other aspects of life.

• Physical- Poor physical health and excessive drinking and smoking are common results of compulsive gambling.
• Relational- Family conflict may occur, especially if an individual is lying to others about the behavior and sacrificing family time for gambling. In addition, if outstanding debts are owed, this may cause increasing problems among family and the lenders. 
• Financial- Bankruptcy and debt are typical end results of compulsive gambling, and the impact of poor financial decisions can take years to amend.
• Emotional- Symptoms of depression and anxiety are common and may lead the gambler to suicide or other harmful behaviors.
• Legal- Criminal activity and other illegal tactics are often seen as a “needed” last resort to continue the behavior or to attempt to pay off debt.

Help and Hope

A compulsive gambling addiction does not need to be the last round in the game of life.  There are many professional treatment options as well as support groups like Gamblers Anonymous.  You can also ask your doctor or a mental health professional for support.  Before your first appointment, prepare yourself by considering these questions and steps:

• Write down your feelings about gambling. What are the triggers that make you want to gamble more?  How have you tried to stop?  How has gambling impacted your life?
• Make a list of all the current stressors in your life. Be sure to include all that apply (i.e. family, financial challenges, relational problems, work issues, etc.).
• Consider and write down questions you might have for your doctor. These might be:
  • What professional or treatment program options are most beneficial?
  • What written materials would he or she recommend?
  • What community resources and support groups are available?
• Plan to talk to your doctor about whether you meet the criteria for a gambling disorder, as indicated in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM) published by the American Psychiatric Association. Your doctor or mental health professional might want to rule out other diagnoses before they recommend treatment.  

Freedom from a compulsive gambling addiction is possible and available to you.  Learning and maintaining alternative ways of coping with life will help aid in the recovery process.  To start, you can make a list of all the risks you take when you gamble.  Are the costs to you and your loved ones outweighing the potential benefits?  Those with a compulsive gambling addiction will more than likely answer yes to this question. 

Finally, remind yourself there is no shame in asking for help.  Determination and will power are often not powerful enough to overcome the gambling impulse, and you are not alone in this struggle. Help is available, along with the hope of a better life.  The benefits of taking control over gambling addictions of all levels are exceedingly more valuable than any payout. 

 

Want to talk to a counselor today about this? 

Call Amplified Life at 800-453-7733 and ask for your “Free 15 Minute Phone Consultation" with one of our licensed counselors. We’ll listen, answer questions you may have, and help you plan next steps.

 

Sources:

http://newsinhealth.nih.gov/issue/May2011/Feature1

http://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/compulsive-gambling/basics/prevention/con-20023242

 

 

 

Coworkers Facing Grief Together

Grief is a natural part of life.  Whether it’s expected or sudden, we will all face loss at some point.  It’s common to experience grief in our workplace as well as our personal lives.  Many workplaces do not address how to deal with the death of a coworker, and usually there is no company handbook dedicated to the grieving process.  Everyone will deal with the loss of a coworker differently.  Some coworkers become like family to us, while others we may not know very well. Regardless of the reaction, there are ways to grieve together and process the loss without disrupting work functions.

What is Workplace Grief?

Grief is our reaction to a loss of any kind.  Typically, there are five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.  Everyone reacts differently, and there is no timetable for grief.  If left unprocessed, grief may lead to problems with anxiety or depression. 

 

There are several types of loss within the workplace.  Death, retirement, unemployment, personal injury, and transitioning to a different position or location are all examples of a workplace loss.  When facing the death of a coworker, there can be additional variables that influence the reaction, such as the age of the deceased, how long they worked there, whether it was sudden, and the nature of the relationships they had within the workplace.

Struggling with Grief

Coworkers who are struggling with grief typically display some of the following symptoms:

• Physical- changes in appetite and sleep, headaches, stomach pain, lack of concentration, fatigue, restlessness, and drug or alcohol use.
• Emotional- sadness, fear, anxiety, lack of trust, irritability, depression, guilt, and lowered confidence.
• Vocational- low morale, anger (usually directed at their employer), lowered interest or motivation, or a desire to quit the job.

Occasionally, an employer may offer flexibility with work hours for a grieving employee.  This may prove helpful, but it’s important to recognize that some people find the daily work routine to be a necessary distraction or aid in the healing process. 

Handling the Death of a Coworker

Grief is a universal response, but no two people will handle loss exactly the same.  The following tips may help you work through your pain and give the permission needed to grieve:

1. Respect the relationships- You might have been closer to the deceased coworker than others in the workplace, or vice versa. Everyone’s relationship to the deceased will be different.  While it is acceptable to ask a grieving coworker how they’re doing, you should refrain from trying to “fix” them in their difficult time.  Understanding these dynamics will help everyone along the grieving process.  It is never helpful to tell someone to “get over it” or “snap out of it.” 
2. Talk about it- Feel free to talk about how the loss if affecting you, even if your management is not formally addressing it. Don’t be afraid or nervous to share with coworkers how you are feeling.  Listen to their experience as well, as it can be mutually beneficial.
3. Give back- Ask your employer about ways to formally and informally grieve together. Consider ways to support the coworker’s family and honor his or her life.  Some ideas might include planting a tree, hosting a fundraiser, establishing a college fund for any children involved, or finding other ways to give back to the community.  Perhaps you can hold a workplace memorial service for your coworker.  Talk about their strengths and weaknesses, share funny stories, and   celebrate their life.  Laughter and tears are both part of the grieving process.      
4. Use resources- Many workplaces have employee assistance programs to offer grief counseling, either with an individual or a group. If not, they might connect you and other coworkers to various support groups and resources within your community. 
5. Permission- Sometimes we don’t know why one death hits home more than another. Give yourself permission to grieve, even if you didn’t know the person very well.  You may experience increased fatigue or feel distracted on the job; these are normal reactions to grief.  Talk with your employer if you are having difficulty adjusting back to your work routine.   

After a significant loss in the workplace, it’s important to take care of yourself.  Be mindful to get the proper amount of sleep, seek out the support you need, and practice stress-reducing activities.  Often times helping another through his or her own struggle can provide peace during yours. 

No one should determine what is “grief-worthy” for another.  If you or a coworker feels stuck in a grieving cycle, consider talking with someone in your human resources department, your doctor, a religious leader, or a mental health professional.

 

Want to talk to a counselor today about this? 

Call Amplified Life at 800-453-7733 and ask for your “Free 15 Minute Phone Consultation" with one of our licensed counselors. We’ll listen, answer questions you may have, and help you plan next steps.

 

Sources:

http://www.ors.od.nih.gov/sr/dohs/Documents/Coworkers%20Facing%20Grief%20Together.pdf

http://access.ewu.edu/Documents/HRRR/HR/Grief%20in%20the%20WorkplaceJan2013.pdf

 

 

 

 

 

Grief and Loss: Loss of a Child

Losing a child is the most devastating pain a parent could face.  The future is forever changed and the grieving may last a lifetime.  There are many types of loss including miscarriage, stillbirth, kidnapping, violence, accidents, and illness.  Even the death of an adult child can devastate a parent, as it is unnatural for a parent to outlive their child. 

What is Parental Grief?

While everyone experiences loss to some capacity, the grief process is unique.  No two people will grieve the same way, and each person’s timetable for healing will differ.  Many factors influence parental grieving.  Cultural norms, religious beliefs, and the specifics of how the child died can all influence how a parent grieves his or her child.  Some instances such as an illness or accident, are a visible loss of a child, while a miscarriage can be a less visible, but no less painful, separation. 

 

There are typically five main stages of grief a person experiences.  They are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.  Grieving is intensely personal, and no one should determine what is “grief-worthy” for another.  There are also many underlying layers of grief.  Parents will mourn the child, but they will also experience additional feelings of loss, such as the child’s smell, voice, laugh, cry, the future memories never to be made, etc.

 

Symptoms of Parental Grief

Losing a child can result in a number of emotional responses.  Parents can be depressed, angry, shocked or confused.  Many struggle with feelings of guilt and fear for their other children’s health or safety.  Some parents may resent families with healthy children, feel that life is meaningless, or question their faith and beliefs.  They can become angry with their spouse for grieving and coping differently than they do. 

 

There are a variety of physical symptoms that can accompany grief.  Changes in sleeping or eating patterns, loss of appetite, lack of concentration, and fatigue are common grief effects.  Some parents may no longer enjoy activities that once brought great pleasure, and if symptoms worsen, they may even contemplate suicide. 

 

Helping the Grieving Process

Though parents will always mourn the loss of a child, healing is possible.  The following is a list of helpful insights for grieving parents:

• Seek support- Grieving parents do not need to mourn alone. Don’t hesitate to ask for help, as family therapists and counselors have special knowledge that can help you through the grieving process in a healthy way. Communities of faith also provide an outlet to share your feelings, and support groups can provide a safe place to meet others who have gone through the same experience.
• Keep a routine- When you are grieving it’s important to have some stability in your week. Having some fun, comforting, and familiar activities to look forward to can help you and any other children feel safety and a measure of normalcy. 
• Stay open- Talking about your child might seem difficult at first, but remembering them can help the healing process. When memories and stories are brought up, use your child’s name and reminisce openly with others.  Never feel like you are inconveniencing others with your grief.   
• Plan for holidays- Special days, holidays, and your child’s birthday will be difficult, especially the first anniversary of them. Plan ahead for this time.  How do you want to remember the child?  Would you like to be home or away, occupied or contemplative?  The best plan for the day is anything that will benefit you and your family’s healing. 
• Say no to guilt- Don’t beat yourself up when housework or other responsibilities slide. When you need help, ask for it.  People might want to help but not know how to best do so, so it’s important to be specific or give examples when you ask for support. 
• Care for other children- There are some specific things to consider when you have additional children, as everyone is grieving in his or her own way.
  • Include them- Siblings will grieve in their own ways. Inquire if they want to participate in a memorial service or find another way to honor their sibling.  This will provide a way for them to remember their sibling, validate their sense of loss, and move towards healing.
  • Avoid comparison- Children should never be compared to their sibling who died. Otherwise, they will assume the responsibility of trying to fill the void and replace the child you have lost. 
  • Be aware- Some parents will cling to their other children and act in an overprotective manner out of fear. Others may be overly permissive.  If you feel like you cannot give your other children the attention they need, ask a friend or family member to help. 

Mourning the loss of a child will not go away overnight.  The pain may last a lifetime, but there are ways to find meaning after the loss.  Consider how you might want to honor your child’s life and create a lasting legacy to honor them.  Some might hold a memorial service, volunteer, or contribute to a cause their child appreciated.  Any way that reminds a grieving parent of their child in a healthy, positive manner will help their transition process toward acceptance. 

 

Want to talk to a counselor today about this? 

Call Amplified Life at 800-453-7733 and ask for your “Free 15 Minute Phone Consultation" with one of our licensed counselors. We’ll listen, answer questions you may have, and help you plan next steps.

 

Sources:

https://www.aamft.org/imis15/content/consumer_updates/grieving_the_loss_of_a_child.aspx

http://www.cancer.net/coping-and-emotions/managing-emotions/grief-and-loss/grieving-loss-child

 

 

 

 

 

Preventing Violence at Work

Workplace violence is becoming increasingly prevalent.  Almost two million American workers report that they are victims of workplace violence every year; and many more incidents are never formally documented.  Some workplaces have a higher chance of violence, but the risks are present even in non-hostile environments. 

Workplace Violence Defined

Any act or threat of physical violence or intimidation at work is classified as workplace violence; meaning harassment or other behaviors that disrupt the workplace.  Examples include any form of a true threat, verbal abuse, physical assault, and even homicide.  In short, workplace violence is any behavior that is disruptive, threatening, and/or violent.    

• Disruptive behavior- These disorderly acts involve yelling, using profanity, pointing fingers, and verbal abuse.
• Threatening behavior- This type of bullying threatens people or property in a verbal or written manner. For example, “I’ll make you wish you hadn’t done that!” or “Just you wait…” are considered threatening behaviors. 
• Violent behavior- When someone physically assaults another with or without a weapon, throws an object, or destroys property they are exhibiting violent behavior.

High-Risk Workplaces

Some workplaces are at a higher risk of violence due to the location and nature of the job.  Healthcare professionals, public service employees, customer service representatives, and law enforcement officers are all considered to have a higher-risk workplace.  Other jobs with a higher likelihood of violence include businesses where money or alcohol is exchanged with the public, services that work with volatile or unpredictable people, or jobs that require late-night hours or are located in a high crime area.  Working alone or in an isolated place can also pose a greater threat of workplace violence. 

 

Indicators of Potential Risk

Hindsight is always 20/20, but there are obvious signs of potential workplace risks.  The following are all signs that could point to a viable threat of violence:

• Sudden changes in job performance and behavior
• Outbursts of anger and an inability to control emotions
• Paranoia about co-workers
• Romantically obsessing, stalking, or sexually harassing a co-worker
• History of violent behaviors or discussing violent topics in nature
• Threats that are direct or indirect
• Drug or alcohol problems
• Carrying a concealed weapon or flashing one around

Diffusing Potentially Violent Behavior

Emotions and situations can quickly escalate when people blame others or feel confused, frustrated, and angry.  The following information suggests how to dial down potentially violent workplace behavior.

• Confused- This person will seem distracted or uncertain. The best way to diffuse this behavior is to be patient; listen to their concerns and provide them with facts. 
• Frustrated- Individuals who react easily to stress and resist problem solving are typically very frustrated. They may seem defeated even if they accomplish something.  A good way to engage this person is to provide a calm environment in which to listen to their concerns.  Clarify any misconceptions they might have in a peaceful manner.
• Blaming others- This person won’t take responsibility for his or her own problems, and they continually find fault with others. The quickest way to diffuse this individual is to focus on the facts of “how” a situation occurred rather than “who” caused it.  Create a listening environment and include others when needed.
• Angry- When someone’s body language clearly communicates anger, arguing with him or her is not helpful. They might be shouting, pointing at others, hitting things, or using profanity.  The best thing to do is to get your supervisor or security officer immediately.  Protect your personal safety and the safety of your co-workers by intervening carefully and constructively. 

Workplace Violence Prevention

The most effective way to eliminate workplace violence is to prevent it.  The following are four strategies for preventing violence, protecting workers, and creating a peaceful work environment: 

1. Education - Learn how to recognize, escape, or diffuse potentially volatile situations to maintain your personal safety. Attend trainings to be informed as they are made available. 
2. Zero-tolerance- Encourage your employer to establish a zero-tolerance policy when it comes to violence and intimidation. The policy should be written; and all employees, customers, clients, and consultants must adhere to it or face consequences.
3. Reporting- Employers should provide a safe and easy means for employees to report violence or threats of violence. Alert your supervisor or human resources personnel immediately if you feel a situation is escalating toward potential violence. 
4. Good judgment- Employees should not enter anywhere they feel unsafe. Especially at night, it’s good judgment to implement a “buddy system” or call for security to escort you.

If you are an employer, take every security measure necessary to create a safe working environment for your employees.  For employees, share your ideas regarding workplace safety with your supervisor or employer.  If you are one of the two million victims of workplace violence, seek counseling.  Even witnesses to violence might need to reach out for help.  Check with your human resources department, a licensed therapist, or another health professional to get the support you need.  

 

Want to talk to a counselor today about this? 

Call Amplified Life at 800-453-7733 and ask for your “Free 15 Minute Phone Consultation" with one of our licensed counselors. We’ll listen, answer questions you may have, and help you plan next steps.

 

Sources:

https://www.osha.gov/SLTC/workplaceviolence/

http://www.cdc.gov/niosh/topics/violence/

http://www.doli.state.mn.us/WSC/wvp.asp

 

 

 

 

 

Coping with Grief and Loss

 

The chance of experiencing loss in your lifetime is 100 percent.  Everyone encounters significant loss at some point, and grief is the emotional reaction to that loss.  Whether you face the death of a beloved family member or pet, see a marriage or job crumble, or watch your health or finances diminish, some level of grieving will occur.  In fact, anything valuable has the capacity for loss and the corresponding grief attached. 

 

Grief is both universal and unique in its nature.  Two people experiencing the same loss might react very differently depending on their relationship to whom or what is being grieved.  Some people engage in anticipatory grief, which occurs before an actual loss.  This is commonly seen with a dying friend or family member, an upcoming move, or impending divorce.  This type of grieving is a means of self-protection and preparation for the actual loss.

 

There are many physical and emotional symptoms of the grieving process.  Many individuals face sleeplessness, weight loss or gain, or a weakened immune system.  Chronic illnesses may become worse due to the stress of grieving.  Emotional responses may range from sadness, guilt, fear, or anxiety to moments of relief, peace, or even happiness. 

 

The Five Stages of Grief

While there is no normal or expected grief response, there are five common stages, observed by psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, through which many people walk.  These stages include:

 

1. Denial- This occurs when emotions are temporarily shut down or numbed.  Individuals deny the current reality and cannot take in the facts of the loss.   
2. Anger- Often people will experience different forms of anger.  This could range from a deep-seated frustration to an outburst of rage.  Anger has many shades, and a person can be angry with themselves, others, or especially those closest to them.    
3. Bargaining- This stage is a scenario of negotiation, often in the form of religion and the promise of a reformed lifestyle.  Many times in relational losses, such as a break-up, bargaining might take the form of an unhealthy compromise.
4. Depression- Here, the grieving individual loses hope.  Life might feel pointless, and isolation often occurs.  The individual may be extremely sad and sullen, cry often, and become detached and silent.  Basic life functions might seem increasingly difficult and unimportant. 
5. Acceptance- Last, a realization, or a “coming to terms” with the loss occurs.  Individuals may still feel sad when they think of the loss, but they are able to continue enjoying life and finding meaning in goals and relationships.

 

Common Myths about Grief

No two individuals will follow the same grief path or timetable.  Some people adjust quickly to their new environment.  Others will take several months or years, especially if their daily life is vastly different, or the loss was a shock or trauma.  Grieving is an intensely personal experience, and no one should determine what is grief-worthy for another.  There is no “normal” or standard protocol that fits everyone.  Here are some other common misconceptions:
 

• If you just ignore the loss, the pain will go away.
• It’s important for you to stay strong at all times. 
• Tears are directly proportionate to the level of your loss.
• After one year, you should be completely over all aspects of your loss. 

 

.

Ways to Cope with Loss

There are many useful ways to move from a place of grief to a life of healing and hope. 

• Stay connected.  It’s important to keep talking and not isolate yourself during loss.  Discuss the death, the divorce, the job loss, the cancer, etc. 
• Emotional reactions of all sorts (anger, sadness, bitterness, envy) are normal.  Give yourself permission to feel them and not feel guilty.
• Never apologize for taking care of yourself.  Physical hygiene, good nutrition, exercise, and sleep will work wonders in your healing journey. 
• Consider ways to honor the loss you’ve experienced.  Active grieving may involve a memorial, community service, or creating a legacy of honor. 
• Remember, you are not alone.  Seek out help, especially if you are struggling with completing daily activities. Be specific when you ask for help from friends and family members, as they might not know what to do. In addition, access grief groups, counselor and therapists, or religious leaders when you need their support and guidance.    

 

Moving Onward

Accepting a “new normal” is the key to understanding grief.   Despite the old adage, time will help, but it will not completely cure the pain of loss.  Coming to a place of greater awareness and acceptance of this new identity is the final stop, or perhaps, just the beginning, on the road to life after loss.    

 

Want to talk to a counselor today about this? 

Call Amplified Life at 800-453-7733 and ask for your “Free 15 Minute Phone Consultation" with one of our licensed counselors. We’ll listen, answer questions you may have, and help you plan next steps.

 

Sources:

http://www.apa.org/helpcenter/grief.aspx

http://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-living/end-of-life/in-depth/grief/art-20047261?pg=2

 

Grief and Loss: Loss of a Parent

Even though we know we are supposed to outlive our parents, nothing can quite prepare us for the shock and sadness we feel when they pass.  Whether their death is sudden or drawn out with illness, there may be unresolved issues that influence our grief.  Perhaps, you didn’t get the chance to talk with your dad one last time before his passing.  Or maybe your mother’s death occurred right before a holiday, wedding, birthday, or other special event.  It is natural to be affected by the grieving process, regardless of the circumstances or age of your parent. 

Common Feelings after Losing a Parent

Even if you are an adult when your parent passes, you will still struggle through some common emotions associated with grief.  Many children, even grown ones, feel confusion about their new identity and role in the family.  You may feel as though no one will ever love you the way your mom or dad did.  If your other parent is alive, it might become your responsibility to care for them, especially in their grief.  Other common emotions might include guilt for what you didn’t say or do, frustration with the new tasks you’ve assumed, and uncertainty dealing with legal and financial matters. 

 

When both parents are gone, it’s natural for a person to feel like an adult orphan.  Your identity might change, as well as your role.  Suddenly, you might find yourself to be a member of the oldest living generation in your family.  You might feel an overwhelming desire to carry on your parents’ values and traditions or maybe start new ones. 

Processing Grief Differently

Everyone will experience grief and loss at some point, but no two people will process it the same way.  After the loss of a parent, some people aren’t sure how to respond.  People may not understand why you are grieving if your parent lived a long life.  Others who have already lost a parent may step in and support you with comforting words and kind acts.  Your siblings may also be struggling with your parent’s death, but they might grieve in an entirely different manner.   

 

Coping with Grief 

There is no correct way to grieve and no universal timeline for it.  Grief will look different for everyone.  However, the following are a few considerations for taking care of yourself when you lose a parent:

• Be alone and together- There are times when grieving is done privately. On other occasions, sorrow is expressed as a group.  Give yourself permission for both of these responses.  At times, you will want to share your feelings with other family members.  Other moments you might rather be alone with your thoughts.  Both are common and acceptable.
• Release guilt- Some adult children may feel relief when their parent passes. This is especially common when the parent has been suffering from chronic pain or illness.  Also, if the child has been the primary caregiver, feelings of relief are natural.  You should not feel guilty if you experience this emotion. 
• Prepare for holidays- You should expect the holidays to be hard, especially the first year without your parent(s). Plan ahead for how you would like to honor them or their traditions.  Consider how you will best care for yourself as well on holidays, birthdays, and anniversaries. 
• Respect others’ grief- Because everyone grieves differently, relationships may be stressed and strained after a loss. Understand that your siblings and other family members may need more or less time than you to process their pain.  Be patient and lean on one another for support.  Ask for help when you need it. 
• Foster old and new relationships- No one can take the place of your mom or dad. However, there’s nothing wrong with finding someone to offer support, comfort, and the wisdom you might need.  This could be a relative or another friend who perhaps has been a mentor to you.
• Preserve memories- What stories of your parents would you love your children to know? Think about the memories you want to pass on to future generations.  Writing these down can help you process your own grief, while preserving timeless memories for grandchildren and other young family members. 
• Seek help- Even if you’re not experiencing symptoms of anxiety or depression, that doesn’t mean you cannot benefit from talking to a therapist or support group about your loss. Sharing your feelings aloud with a professional and others who’ve experienced losing a parent is an excellent way to care for yourself. 

Many times loss is unexpected.  And even when we’re anticipating it, we might not be prepared for how we will react.  When we are grieving, we are more likely to stop or minimize healthy habits.  Much of the healing process, however, is related to good self-care.  Taking the time to get proper rest, eat well, and exercise regularly is essential to your healing after you experience a loss.  These healthy choices will help you transition to a place of hope after a loss, and will serve to honor your parents’ wishes for your health and happiness.  

 

Want to talk to a counselor today about this? 

Call Amplified Life at 800-453-7733 and ask for your “Free 15 Minute Phone Consultation" with one of our licensed counselors. We’ll listen, answer questions you may have, and help you plan next steps.

 

Sources: http://www.cancercare.org/publications/68-helping_yourself_as_you_cope_with_the_loss_of_a_parent

Grief and Loss: Loss of a Partner

The death of your spouse or partner can change your entire world.  You lose the person you loved, the role they played in your family, and your life’s daily routine.  You might miss their financial stability and emotional support, and perhaps your spouse or partner was your best friend.  Whatever your partner represented to you, the pain of loss is real.

Physical and Emotional Effects of Grief

Though grief and loss is a universal experience, no two people will process grief the same.  There’s no right way to grieve or a timetable to do so.  Mourning a loss affects our physical bodies as well as our emotions.  You might experience changes in sleeping and eating patterns or feel fatigued and low on energy.  In addition, work and other tasks might become difficult as you struggle to concentrate.

 

When you grieve, you also feel a number of emotions, such as shock, fear of the unknown, anger that they died before you did, or guilt that you could have done more.  Many people experience remorse for not being there when their spouse passed, or might feel unsafe coming home to an empty house. 

Healthy Grieving Ideas

Grief and loss happen to everyone.  Some choose positive coping methods, while others cause further distress by choosing negative ways to process their grief.  These individuals might shut others out, make hasty decisions, or turn to alcohol or drugs.  The following physical, emotional, and social tips offer healthy grieving ideas: 

 

Physical

• Practice self-care- During the grieving process, it is imperative that you don’t neglect your health. Making wise food choices, getting enough rest, staying hydrated, and exercising regularly is critical. Though you may not feel like it, you’re actually helping the healing process by practicing good self-care.  You should never feel guilty for taking care of yourself physically, especially when you are grieving. 
• Know your limits- You might need to talk with your employer about a more flexible work schedule. Perhaps you can’t assume all the household responsibilities your spouse or partner handled.  Be patient with yourself if you need to learn new tasks or skills, and this will take time.  There’s nothing wrong with saying “no” and setting limits while you heal.

Emotional

• Keep a journal- Writing down your feelings about the loss can be helpful. Though remembering your spouse or partner might be painful, the memories can recall all the joy they brought.  Recording your thoughts is also a way to chronicle your healing as the weeks and months pass.   
• Avoid big life decisions- Large changes like moving or a new job should be placed on hold until you feel better. Grief can cloud good thinking, so while risky decisions might seem rewarding in the moment, you might regret them later. 
• Plan for the holidays- Plan ahead for special events, holidays, or anniversaries to smooth the transition. Take time to honor your spouse on the special day or have someone available to talk to about your grief.  Prepare beforehand, so you can use the day to be positive, get support, and care for yourself.   

Social

• Honor your partner’s life- One way to embrace a new beginning is to honor your partner’s life. Although they are no longer with you, there are ways to recognize their values and beliefs.  Consider holding a special memorial service, planting a tree, or volunteering for their favorite charitable cause.  This effort creates a lasting legacy, helps you heal, and contributes to your community.
• Engage your interests- If the upcoming weeks feel empty, make plans to do things you know you will enjoy. Meet up with friends, join a community group, or take a class to learn a new skill.  Having plans to look forward to each week can increase your energy level and uplift your mood.  However, be patient with yourself.  It’s not necessary to rush into a brand new life, and finding a “new normal” will take time. 
• Respect others’ grieving- Your family members, friends, and children are also mourning the loss of your spouse or partner. Their grief might look different than yours, so it’s important for everyone to respect each other’s grief process.  Recognize that relationships might change a little because of the loss. 

Grieving the loss of a spouse or partner is a process and won’t happen overnight.  Find friends and family members whom you can talk to about your feelings.  Ask for assistance with household duties, or have someone help you go through personal items and your partner’s clothes.  Consider joining a support group, talking with a therapist, or visiting your doctor for help and guidance.  Taking care of yourself is the best way to honor yourself and your partner’s love for you, so reach out and get the support you need.

 

Want to talk to a counselor today about this? 

Call Amplified Life at 800-453-7733 and ask for your “Free 15 Minute Phone Consultation" with one of our licensed counselors. We’ll listen, answer questions you may have, and help you plan next steps.

 

Sources:

http://www.nia.nih.gov/health/publication/mourning-death-spouse

 

   

 

Identifying Troubled Children

Often children are unable to cope positively with change or stress in their lives.  These transitions can leave them feeling frustrated and angry, and they can behave in ways that indicate they are at risk for emotional and social difficulties.

Predictors of Behavioral Problems

Negative behavioral patterns in children can be linked to the following three main areas within a child’s life:

• Nature of the community- Children who are exposed to violence or abuse are more likely to develop behavioral issues. In addition, when there are financial difficulties or trouble gaining assistance, a child might begin to act out negatively.  These environments cause children to learn suspicion, and they distrust others’ motives.  When resources don’t exist in schools or communities, this heightens the developmental challenge. 
• Families- With a difficult child, parents may focus solely on his or her misbehavior, failing to praise a child for appropriate choices. Physical, emotional, or sexual abuse can easily lead to behavioral problems, and stress within the family may cause a child to react in an unpredictable manner.
• Individual differences- Early childhood trauma, as well as genetics, can play a role in negative behavioral patterns. If children are impulsive or inattentive from a young age, they might struggle to develop emotionally, socially, and cognitively.

Early Warning Signs

Not every kid who exhibits one or more of these signs is a troubled child.  However, it’s important to consider these early warning signs:

• Emotional
  • Feeling alone, unworthy, or rejected
  • Having difficulty controlling anger
  • Mood swings or persistent sadness
• Social
  • Not having friends
  • Withdrawing from friends and family
  • Lacking interest in school
  • Harboring intense prejudice toward those who are different
• Abuse
  • Experiencing abuse (physical, emotional, sexual)
  • Substance abuse (alcohol, drugs, tobacco)
• Violence
  • Writings and drawings that are violent in nature
  • Experiencing violence
  • Interest in or joining a gang
  • Owning or having access to weapons
  • Bullying, threatening, or intimidating others
  • Hitting others or using physical violence against a person, animal, or property

Helping Troubled Children

Identifying and helping children with behavioral problems is not one person’s responsibility.  It takes a community of people who are committed to looking for warning signs, as prevention is the most effective strategy.  The following tools can guide you to help troubled children: 

• Know developmental milestones- Sometimes we might think a behavior is a warning sign of future problems. In reality, it could be developmentally appropriate for the child’s age.  It’s important to understand when and how children pass developmental milestones.  Learning to interact socially and emotionally takes time, and each child’s progression is slightly different.
• Understand the behavior- Consider the rationale behind the behavior. Many troubled children have aggressive and violent tendencies because they don’t know how to cope with life’s stresses.  No one has modeled for them positive coping methods, and perhaps the child has only been shown attention for their misbehavior.  Empathizing with the child is key to understanding the causes behind the behavior. 
• Develop a caring relationship- Children will open up when they feel safe. Listen to their concerns and help them feel heard.  Avoid punishing only negative behaviors and take opportunities to reward positive choices.  Modeling healthy coping methods in your own life reinforces positive behavior as well. 
• Take threats seriously- Get help immediately if a child threatens to harm themselves or others. Be sure there isn’t access to weapons or other means of inflicting self-harm.  Alert authorities, teachers, school officials, etc., to prevent action on any verbal or written threats.  No one person can be with a child 24 hours a day.  Involve the necessary individuals to help oversee the child and situation. 
• Don’t stereotype a child- Troubled behavior is not a reason to punish and isolate a child. Stereotyping or labeling a child can also be damaging, so don’t assume that academic ability, socioeconomic status, or physical appearances are signs of troubled behavior.  Also, one warning sign does not necessarily indicate a troubled child. 
• Don’t blame yourself- Many parents assume blame, thinking they are responsible for their child’s behavior. There are multiple factors involved in predicting troubled behavior, and many of these are outside a parent’s control.  Guilt is never a helpful emotion.  Instead, focus on being there for your child and helping them get the support and care they need. 

Identifying a troubled child is not assigning them a lifelong diagnosis.  Children with behavioral problems don’t have to become troubled adults.  Mental health professionals and school staff are available to teach positive ways to cope with life stressors as a child transitions to adolescence or adulthood.  The best strategy for success is surrounding yourself with a team of individuals who are willing and able to support both you and your child.

 

Want to talk to a counselor today about this? 

Call Amplified Life at 800-453-7733 and ask for your “Free 15 Minute Phone Consultation" with one of our licensed counselors. We’ll listen, answer questions you may have, and help you plan next steps.

 

Sources: http://www.nasponline.org/resources/crisis_safety/suicidept1_general.aspx

 

Codependence

When a person is codependent they are unable to define and meet their own needs in a relationship. This individual “loses” their sense of self because they are completely absorbed in the needs of the other person in a relationship, who often is struggling with addiction or illness. This intense focus on the other person can jeopardize one’s health, safety, and success in life.

Codependence is commonly seen in romantic relationships, although any relationship can take on the negative traits of codependence.  You can see evidence of codependence in parent and child relationships, between siblings and among coworkers. 

How do people become codependent?

No one is born codependent.  A newborn baby is completely dependent on a caregiver, whereas a codependent person learns this behavior.  It can be passed down through the generations by observing other family members and modeling their codependent behavior.  Codependent people are sometimes known as “relationship addicts” because the connection is unhealthy, destructive, and one-sided.

 

People who have addiction (drug, alcohol, food, gambling, etc.) in their family history are more likely to become codependent.  Additionally, when physical, sexual, or emotional abuse has occurred the risk of emotional dependence escalates.  Mental illness is also a commonality among codependent people. 

Characteristics of Codependent People

Codependent people struggle to define who they are and what their purpose is in life.  They see their place in this world solely through the lens of their codependent relationship.  Despite their genuine care and concern for the other person in the relationship, they will take on the role of a martyr or victim and are drawn to others with the same mindset. 

 

Codependents are inclined to do whatever is needed to erase or minimize the consequences from their partner’s destructive behaviors.  This keeps the codependent individual on a damaging course. Codependents use others’ addictive behavior as an excuse to avoid communication and closeness with those who could help them. 

 

There are many emotional characteristics of codependent people.  A person may not exhibit all these traits, but there will be some signs of imbalance such as: 

• Low self-esteem and comparisons with others
• Overblown sense of responsibility for others
• Hurt feelings when actions aren’t recognized
• Fears of abandonment or losing the person in the relationship
• Difficulty understanding and identifying feelings
• Unable to set and maintain boundaries
• Emotional outbursts to stressful events
• Difficulty expressing their own goals or values
• Symptoms of anxiety, depression, or mental illness

Help for the Codependent Person

The following helpful tips can help you or someone you know step away from codependent tendencies: 

• Identify- Embrace your own needs and emotions. Saying “no” to a loved one doesn’t mean you don’t care for them, and it’s healthy to set these boundaries.  Tough love is sometimes the most loving thing you can do. 
• Self-reliant- What are some ways you could be more independent? When can you take responsibility for your own emotions and actions? Encourage others around you to do the same.
• Stop “fixing”- It is not your responsibility to solve all your loved one’s problems. People who struggle with addiction or illness are capable of more than we realize.  You can still support and love them without trying to “fix” their lives.  Give them space to take personal responsibility for their actions and future. 
• Explore- Discover what you value and what your beliefs are. Many times we are people-pleasers looking for approval and love.  Have you adopted values or beliefs simply to fit in or please your partner?  What would be important to you regardless of others’ opinions?
• Relax- Take some time for you. Relieve stress, tension, and anxiety by practicing relaxation techniques.  Exercising, enjoying music, practicing mindfulness, and enjoying activities you love are all examples of how to dial down worry and guilt.  When you practice good self-care by relaxing, those negative emotions are less likely to creep back.    
• Be kind- Apply the “golden rule” to yourself. Treat yourself as you would like others to treat you:  Be kind to yourself, and offer forgiveness when needed.
• Communicate- Relational closeness doesn’t magically happen. Open dialogue and communication is needed to foster intimacy in relationships.
• Choose hope- It’s easy to worry too much, causing fear to cloud good judgment. When we choose to operate out of hope instead of fear we can focus on our needs and desires in a healthy way.  If we’re living in fear of losing our partner, our stress and anxiety levels rise.  This lifestyle takes a tremendous toll on your mind and body. 

If you or your loved one is struggling with codependency, be courageous and seek help.  A licensed counselor or therapist can help you explore how you began to act this way.  They can guide you to see healthy and unhealthy patterns in relationships.  Together, you can establish a plan to change your life’s direction and move from a codependent relationship to a mutually satisfying one.    

 

Want to talk to a counselor today about this? 

Call Amplified Life at 800-453-7733 and ask for your “Free 15 Minute Phone Consultation" with one of our licensed counselors. We’ll listen, answer questions you may have, and help you plan next steps.

 

Sources:

http://www.mentalhealthamerica.net/co-dependency

Grief and Loss: Anticipatory Grief

Everyone experiences loss at some point in life.  Grief is universal, but no two people will process it exactly the same.  Sometimes we can see a loss is coming before it happens. Our reaction to this approaching event is known as anticipatory grief.  Researchers claim that the period time before a loss can be just as difficult, if not more, than that the time after the loss. 

Anticipatory grief may be felt before a child goes away to college.  Others may experience grief before a change in job, completion of school, or retirement.  Losing physical abilities like sight, hearing, or mobility can trigger these emotions.  The most common reason for anticipatory grief is the upcoming death of a loved one from a terminal illness, such as cancer or dementia. 

Changes from Anticipatory Grief

When a loved one’s death is near, you’re not only experiencing the loss of a person.  You are also facing upcoming changes, like the shift of your role in the family.  For example, if your aging mother passes away, you might become a companion and caregiver to your aging father. Or perhaps you will grieve your identity as your mother’s daughter. Financial changes, positive or negative, can affect your life after loss as well.  When death is looming, you may also grieve the loss of dreams and what could have been. 

 

Anticipatory Grief Symptoms

We will all experience anticipatory grief in life.  However, understanding this reality doesn’t minimize the pain.  The most prominent symptom is anticipating or dreading the loss to come.  Your thoughts may nag at you.  Worries about what life will look like after the loss are common.  You might spend your time thinking through how you’ll transition and cope with the upcoming loss.

 

There are also physical and emotional responses to anticipatory grief:

• Physical symptoms:
  • Bouts of crying
  • Fatigue
  • Weight loss or gain
  • Sleeping problems
• Emotional symptoms:
  • Fear of discussing grief before the loss
  • Confusion and disorganization
  • Mood swings
  • Anxiety or depression
  • Loneliness (experienced especially by caregivers)

Positive Ways to Cope

There are healthy and unhealthy ways of coping with anticipatory grief.  The following tools can provide you with positive suggestion to prepare for the upcoming loss:

• Vocalize- Share your feelings aloud or write them down. There’s nothing wrong or shameful about expressing where you are in the grieving process.  Keeping a journal can help guide you through your emotions in the transition.
• Laugh and cry- Give yourself permission to feel sad or happy. It’s acceptable to cry, even though the loss hasn’t occurred yet.  Also, there’s nothing wrong with retaining a sense of humor.  Laughter and being able to enjoy life will be a gift to you and your loved ones. 
• Know your strengths- Draw on your dominant abilities in this difficult time. What skills or activities motivate you and bring joy?  Embrace your strengths amidst the sadness.
• Take a holistic approach- Consider trying more holistic exercises that help your mind and body. Relaxing activities such as doing yoga, listening to peaceful music, or practicing meditation can help you feel more in the present rather than worried about the future.   
• Be gracious- Many times people don’t know how to help when they see you grieving. They might even say something insensitive or frustrating in their ignorance.  Try not to become irritated if people don’t understand your grief.  Everyone anticipates the loss differently.  Remain open about your emotions and find support where you can get it.   

Anticipatory Grief of a Loved One’s Death

• Include children- It’s easy to assume kids aren’t hurting because they don’t completely understand what is happening. Talk to your children in an age-appropriate manner about the loss to help them process the event.  Look for comforting and creative ways to say goodbye to their loved one who is dying.  This can benefit both you and your children. 
• Find time- It may be difficult to spend time with your loved one if they are suffering or having difficulty remembering, but finding meaningful ways to be together is important. Try pulling out a family photo album or watching some old home videos.  These will be memories to cherish as a family.
• Give permission to go- Often at the end of life, people tend to “hang on” to meet important holidays, birthdays, or events. Give your loved one permission to pass.  Saying goodbye without guilt can be an invaluable gift for you and your loved one. 

Mourning, loss, and anticipatory grief need not be experienced alone.  Some individuals seek spiritual comfort in this difficult time and find solace and strength in their community of faith. Many individuals benefit from participating in support groups that address a specific type of loss.  As always, seek help as needed through your medical doctor or a licensed therapist or counselor.  Anticipatory grief is real, but there are supports in place to help guide you through the transition. 

 

Want to talk to a counselor today about this? 

Call Amplified Life at 800-453-7733 and ask for your “Free 15 Minute Phone Consultation" with one of our licensed counselors. We’ll listen, answer questions you may have, and help you plan next steps.

 

Sources:

http://www.americanhospice.org/grief/working-through-grief/80-anticipatory-grief-symptoms-whats-the-big-deal

 

 

 

Helping Potentially Violent Children

Sometimes it can be difficult to pinpoint when a child is struggling emotionally.  Those who act out in a violent manner are easier to identify, but what can we do before it escalates to this point?  Is it possible to help a potentially violent child redirect their emotions and prevent a negative and destructive action?   

Causes for Violent Children

There are many reasons a child may resort to violence.  When kids are angry, frustrated, or afraid, they may believe that hurting themselves or others is the only answer to their problems.  In an effort to protect themselves or to control others, violent children act on their anger and fear.  Some children turn to violence as a means to get what they want, while others use it to exact revenge when someone has harmed them or their loved one.  Other kids simply learn violence from their upbringing and environment.      

 

Signs of a Violent Child

Anger is not a guarantee that a child will turn to violence.  While it can certainly be an indicator, there are many historical factors that suggest the potential for violent behavior.  Early childhood abuse or neglect, as well as a failure to empathize with others, are historical signs of a violent child.  When children have frequent run-ins with authority, a history of aggression and vandalism, a record of being cruel to animals, or parents who condone violence, they are at a higher risk of acting out their negative emotions.  Some kids are bullied, and out of resentment they become violent.  Lastly, those suffering from mental illness may, knowingly or not, resort to violence. 

 

Certain behaviors can also indicate the possibility of future violence.  These risk factors include drug and alcohol use, access to weapons, gang affiliation (or a desire to be in one), isolation, and a decline in school performance.  A child who easily loses their temper and makes a plan to commit violence is well on their way to a destructive path.  If they communicate, by any means, a plan for violence, contact parents, school officials, and authorities immediately.

 

Planning and Prevention

Helping potentially violent children can be challenging, but it is possible to make a significant difference in their lives.  The following information will provide you with some strategies to prevent violent acts and to provide positive alternatives for the child:   

 

Prevention

• Identify triggers- Determine the circumstances that activate violent thoughts and behaviors. If possible, keep the child away from these situations.  Otherwise, practice calming techniques to soothe the child and prevent a meltdown before it happens.
• Pinpoint feelings- Help the child discuss their feelings. Communicate your desire to understand what he or she is experiencing.  Remind the child that they aren’t alone; and that you and others are here to help.
• Use words- Run through scenarios where they practice using words to express their disappointment, fear, or anger. Offer suggestions for communicating with someone who might hurt their feelings or critique them.  For example, “When you laughed at me, I felt really angry.”  Using words constructively is always a better alternative than violence. 
• Problem-solve- Brainstorm alternative actions, other than violence, with the child. What are some other ways to cope when they become angry or threatened?  Encourage them to take a time-out, remove themselves from the situation, and calm down. 
• Recognize physical responses- Teach the child to look for their body’s cues to anger. Does their heart start beating faster or their stomach begin to hurt?  The ability to identify their physical responses might help them transition to a calming activity.  Encourage them to take deep breaths or repeat a phrase to diffuse their emotions. 

Plan of Action

• Ask for help- Managing a potentially violent child isn’t something to take lightly. Don’t feel like you need to handle the situation alone.  Seek out a mental health professional for help.  Alert authorities if you feel that you or others are in immediate danger. 
• Discuss consequences- Talk to the child about the long-term consequences of violent behavior without being threatening or lecturing them. Explain (using examples) how controlling emotions in a positive way will benefit them throughout their life. 
• Use teamwork- Having multiple adults with whom a child can talk is most effective. Teachers, school counselors, coaches, or other mentors are excellent resources, especially if the parent is unavailable or uninvolved.  Familiarize these adults with any warning signs or triggers for the child’s violent behavior.  Designate a “time-out” space at school where a child can go if they begin to feel upset or unsafe. 
• Watch for danger- Adolescents and children struggling with anger are at risk for harming themselves. Watch for suicidal or self-injury signs.  If they mention hurting themselves or not wanting to live, take it seriously.  Get help immediately. 

Just like anyone else, a potentially violent child needs to hear good feedback when a wise choice is made.  Offer praise and encouragement when they make a non-violent and good decision.  Focus on the positive, instead of solely punishing the negative behaviors.  The best way to impact a potentially violent child is to model wise choices.  Your actions will speak the loudest message of all. 

 

Want to talk to a counselor today about this? 

Call Amplified Life at 800-453-7733 and ask for your “Free 15 Minute Phone Consultation" with one of our licensed counselors. We’ll listen, answer questions you may have, and help you plan next steps.

 

Sources:

http://www.apa.org/helpcenter

http://www.nasponline.org